Blog, Mommy chronicles

Why Working Moms are the Real MVP

We all know how it goes.  Whether it’s for academics, sports, music, or film/television, people’s acceptance speeches for awards follow a similar format.  Usually God is thanked first.  If it is in entertainment, the fans are thanked.  Mentors may be thanked for both academics and entertainment. Spouses/partners are thanked for their love and support.  And last but not least, parents and in particular mothers are thanked.  It’s also usually a backstory of all the struggles mom went through to get you to where you are and how you are successful because of mom.  This is one of the best compliments that a child can pay a mother.  Because of you, I am this.  Some may ask, why do mothers get all these accolades?  Here’s what it breaks down to.

Before you even know you are going to be a mom, your little grain of sand sized embryo knows that you’re their mom.  They are hearing everything you say, eating everything you eat, and listening to your heartbeat.  They are becoming so attached to you, because you are the only thing they know.  As they begin to grow and develop they can let you know that they are there by kicking and wiggling around in the womb.  Finally, when a baby is born, they get to meet the person who they’ve only heard and felt, but have never seen and instantly, both mother and child fall in love.  That feeling alone brings about new responsibility and all types of other emotions you may not have even known that you have.

The biggest adjustment with becoming a parent is not being able to do anything on your time.  A simple task like running to the store for eggs no longer exists.  If it’s not great weather, you must ensure the baby is wrapped up accordingly.  Then you must secure the baby in their car seat, and make sure that’s secure before you drive off.  Then you take them out the car, place seat in shopping cart.  You get what you need, put back in car, etc.  Also you can no longer just pick up and do stuff last minute, because you want to ensure that you have a sitter.  So if your life drastically changes like this, why become a mother you may ask.  Because it gives a type of joy that you cannot describe.  The unconditional love that a child gives is the most beautiful thing on Earth.  Which is why you would do any and everything for your child.  This leads to lots of households having to operate with two incomes in order to survive.

When you’re a working mom, after you punch out after your scheduled work day, you have to go home and punch the clock for another full time job that you are not even monetarily compensated for.  This is a job where you are always on call, and have no off days per se.  Your job as a mom when you come home after a long day of work is to tend to the household as well as to the children.  In most cases, even if a working mother is bringing home at least half of the monthly income, she is still doing more than half of the household work.  Where does the mom get this super human strength from you may ask?  Even I don’t have an answer for this.  For a mother to go to work and still come home and do more work is pretty amazing to me.  But if you know you gotta do what you gotta do, then you can rise above anything and really deliver.  You find that inner strength and pull from that.

When you become a parent, you always have a vision of how you’d like to raise your children.  You want them to have better than you.  You want them to be successful and not have to have any struggles that you may have had.  That’s why you place so much pressure on yourself to make sure your children are given the best opportunity to succeed.  But sometimes in the process, you need to take a   moment for yourself as a parent.  Moms, especially working ones, shoulder a lot of the heavy lifting.  You have to nurture as well as financially provide.  Often times, you may feel it goes unnoticed.  But just know that deep down, you are appreciated.  You may not find out until an essay or a speech, but know that it is there.  But for children and spouses/partners of these women, please acknowledge them without being prompted.  So just pick a random day to show appreciation that isn’t Mother’s Day, or your mom’s birthday.  After all, working moms, you’re the real MVP.

Blog, Experience

Triple Minority

First off, yes I am a black person living in America.  I am a 35-year-old triple (black, woman, and Muslim) minority.  Now that that’s been addressed, let’s view the scrutiny I may face on a daily basis.  Many times because of my race, I’m told that opportunity was only afforded to me because I was Black (ex. affirmative action).  It doesn’t matter if you were the best or were well qualified and earned your achievement (getting into a prestigious school, getting a promotion) the assumption from many may be you received it because of your race.  This is a horrible assumption.  You are indirectly telling someone that they do not belong and are not as good as someone else.  Affirmative action was created as a means to give people who are discriminated against an opportunity.  It doesn’t mean that they don’t have the qualifications.  It’s just giving them an opened door.  But that’s the reality that someone of color (especially a Black person) faces.

As a woman, we’re taught it’s a man’s world, but if we play our cards right, we may be able to be let in the all boy’s club.  We are often indirectly taught that men are smarter than women, and for a corporation/business to successfully run, we need a man to run it.  Even though the percentage of fortune 500 women CEOs is 4%, it’s still women who are CEOs.  Some of the companies include: General Motors, Hewlett Packard, IBM, PepsiCo, Xerox, Avon, and Campbell Soup just to name a few.  This shows that not only women can work at these large companies, but they can run them and do it well.  So I salute you ladies by showing little girls everywhere that if she can do it, so can I.

Being a Muslim in this country at this moment is so challenging.  The fear of Islamophobia is so real that if you “look” or you name is “suspicious”, you are questioned or even worse.  I got my reality check a few years back.  I got married in October 2013.  Being the person I am (Type A), my husband and I applied for our passports in July of that year.  We applied the exact same day.  Everything was the same (obviously picture and names were different) on our passports.  Anyway we had to come through customs in Orlando from Jamaica (where we honeymooned).  My husband went right through with no problems.  They looked at my passport, then looked at me.  I was then asked what I was doing in Jamaica and how long I was there.  I politely told them I was on my honeymoon and was there for 4 days.  Then they asked me to step out of line and go to an office because they had to check something out.  My husband knew what the deal was so he just went to baggage claim to get our luggage.  Before I could even really sit down (maybe about 90 seconds passed), they told me I was free to go.  I guess because my record is so squeaky clean (I haven’t even been fired from a job) that was why my delay was so quick.  But still, that interaction put on sour note on my wonderful trip I just had.  I started questioning should I drop my maiden name all together, because my original plan was to hyphenate.  But once I calmed down, I stuck with my original plan.

I’m not going to let fear stop me from doing me.  So the question that lies is what can we do if we are one, two, or three of these minority groups in America?  It’s really no black or white (no pun intended) answer to this question.  When dealing with someone who does already have preconceived notions about your particular demographic group, your best bet is to just prove them wrong.  You can show someone better that you can tell them.  I know you’re probably thinking, that’s not going to work, but you never know.  All you can do is just be you.  Forget about those negative stereotypes that may exist.  A stereotype does not define you, cause at the end of the day, you have to live your life for you and do what’s best for you.  If in the process you make someone better by learning to accept someone who is different from them, then cool.  But you have to keep pushing and do not let obstacles stand in the way of you succeeding.

 

Blog, Mommy chronicles

Life After Miscarriage

I remember experiencing the first signs of pregnancy all over again.  Now that I’ve gone through it, I notice the symptoms right away.  Sensitive to smells, always tired (I was going to bed at 7/7:30 PM!!!), and having a bread and butter pickle craving (that I ate straight from the jar).  I looked at my husband telling him yeah, I’m definitely pregnant.  After being late for 4 days, I took a home test.  It turned positive right away and it estimated I was 2-3 weeks pregnant.  The same thing happened with my daughter.  I called my doctor the next morning and was able to get an appointment for that Saturday.  He confirmed and said I was 4-6 weeks.  I was nervous, anxious, and excited because now we were expanding our family.  We were having a second child.  I already started mentally re-configuring our house.  The office/extra bedroom would now be the kids’ room.  I also mentally calculated the money I could save before the baby’s arrival (early August 2017).  Since I was now a pro, I was going to do everything right this time around.  Eat nutritious foods from the jump, exercise 3 times a week, practice yoga for pregnancy, and just really take care of myself.  This went on for about a week.  Then the following Sunday, it came to a screeching halt.

I was about to go to bed and my husband noticed I had spotted on the couch.  I didn’t want to become overly concerned because sometimes that happens at the beginning.  But it did make me do a Google search on my phone.  I was trying to remain calm, but I continued to spot.  Eventually I started to bleed like a light period.  I left work early the next day and called my doctor.  I went into his office and when he checked me, he gave me news that an expectant mother does not want to hear.  He told me that my body was trying to miscarry and that I had a 60/40 chance of the baby surviving past the first trimester.  At this point, I’m trying to hold it together, but I was already preparing for the worst.  I had to get a stat ultrasound.  Nothing could really be seen.  The next day, I am placed on doing blood work every other day to see if the pregnancy hormone is still present.  I return to work trying to keep it together, but feeling like the worst was going to happen any day.

While at work on a day where we were having our end of the year holiday party, I believe I miscarried in the bathroom, right before all the festivities took place.  I was alone when it happened.  I remember feeling so upset at myself.  Wondering why me, what did I do wrong?  But we were having a party, so I went on as if everything was fine.  The next day, I had another party to attend and I still went on as if everything was fine.  Then the next day (Sunday), I guess my body was over everything, because I was very sick.  I went to the ER that night and I received the confirmation that I in fact had miscarried.  They said what I saw Friday was probably the fetus.  I went home that night extremely disappointed.  Even though my doctor had prepared me and even after seeing what I saw on Friday, you still hope and pray for a miracle to happen.  I was thinking how did this happen and why did it happen to me?  What did I do wrong?  Did I jinx myself by announcing it to more than the few that I had announced it to for my daughter?  Should I have not been trying to do the exercising until after my first trimester?  Did me stressing out about personal things take the ultimate toll on me?  These were all questions that raced through my mind.  It’s so funny how you can say the words and be a support system for someone else, but when it comes to yourself, you can’t build yourself up the same way.  I’ve been holding in my tears because I don’t want to break down and cry, but if I can’t stop them from falling, I’m just going to let them down.  And on top of all of this, we were trying to prepare our daughter who’ll be 2 in March that she’s going to be a big sister.  So, because we showed her where the baby is, she’s still saying baby and trying to gently rub my stomach.  Then an unexpected support came through.

I was scrolling through Facebook and while looking at my timeline, one of the many groups I’m in had a video pop up that had the words miscarriage.  When I read the post, it was from someone who had one years ago, and had been unable to conceive since then.  She was asking for support from other women who may have been in her same position.  The video she posted with her written words was a compilation of celebrities (Beyoncé, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Lisa Ling, Pink, Lindsey Lohan, and Giuliana Rancic) who were talking about their miscarriages.  The video was saying let’s support women and not make them feel ashamed.  It’s about normalizing miscarriages and stop making them taboo.  This is why I have written this blog.  Me not saying anything is keeping it hidden, like something you should not discuss, but talking about it humanizes it.  So let’s support out mothers and fathers to be who have experienced this.

Blog, Experience, Featured

Open Letter to Little Black Girls

To my pretty black girls…….

You were born with the most beautiful amazing gift out there.  Your tanned skin and curly, kinky hair is one of the most unique features in the world.  That skin will protect you on long summer days playing with friends outside.  And the beautiful mane you possess will give you so many varieties.  You could style your hair different every day of the week if you wish.  Oh and let’s not forget about your skin aging at a slower pace due to that wondrous and glorious melanin in it.  With all these positives, seems like you would have it pretty good.  Well that’s not entirely true.

It may be times when you question our overall beauty.  I’m here to remind you that you are beautiful no matter what.  The reality is that your unique features (darker skin, fuller lips, curly/kinky hair, curvier/fuller figure) is often times celebrated on women who look nothing like you.  This is the most backhanded way to compliment a beautiful woman like you.  On people who don’t look like you, they are called exotic and sexy even, but your features are just ignored and shrugged off.  Whatever you do, embrace what you have been blessed with naturally.  Love your skin, love your hair, love those lips and hips.  Don’t conform to society’s “standards of beauty” because they tell you that is the route you need to go.  Just politely state this is me, this is who I am, and I love me.  But if society’s views have already permeated our own, then you have another task at hand.

It was a time many, many years ago when there was unity and extreme loyalty among the black community.  There was always an underlying division of what was deemed accepted (lighter skinned, finer hair) and unaccepted (darker skinned, courser hair) though.  But the distance is growing larger and larger between black men and women.  It is black men who go on the record stating they do not black women because they are not good enough for them.  Or they name a number of stereotypes that have nothing to do with being black (hair weave, baby daddy drama, attitude, etc).  Some of these guys are so far gone, that even if you point out women who break these stereotypes, they will still make up something else.  Just remember that ignorance is bliss.  They know of not what they speak and how foolish they look insulting and degrading women who look like their moms, sisters, nieces, cousins, aunts, daughters, and grandmothers.  For the ladies who create the separation and division amongst each other for stupid reasons, just STOP IT!!!!!!!!  We all play for the same team.  It is no reason to put down another sister because she looks a little different from you.  Let’s encourage and build up one another rather than tearing each other down.

Being a black girl who eventually is going to become a black woman, you are going to face many challenges.  First you must learn to accept your beauty under any circumstance.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not beautiful because you are black.  Or even worse that you are pretty for a black girl.  That is one of the rudest most ignorant comments that anyone can say.  Own your beauty.  Rock what you were blessed with.  #blackgirlmagic is not just a phrase.  The way we are able to do certain things and the traits that we do possess is just short of magic.  Second off, learn that you will face haters and ignorant people who look a lot like you.  They will try and discourage you from trying to reach your goals because they are lacking themselves.  Remember that misery loves company.

In closing I’d just like to say this is meant for all my beautiful little black girls who need to hear these encouraging words.  You can do whatever you put your mind to.  If you want to be a CEO, president of a corporation, hell even president of the United States, you can do it.  Start with setting small goals for yourself each week.  If you don’t meet them, don’t beat yourself up as to why you didn’t, but on what you can do to accomplish it.  If the same thing you’re doing over and over again isn’t working, then try something new.  But whatever you do, DON’T GIVE UP.  You will live to regret it.  This letter is for all my beautiful black girls and especially for my little one.  You make mommy do and want to be better.  And for the negative remarks, you’re completely entitled to your opinion.  But know that you are the motivation for me writing this so I can combat your negativity you are feeding to these beautiful little girls.

 

For you my Ari