I remember experiencing the first signs of pregnancy all over again.  Now that I’ve gone through it, I notice the symptoms right away.  Sensitive to smells, always tired (I was going to bed at 7/7:30 PM!!!), and having a bread and butter pickle craving (that I ate straight from the jar).  I looked at my husband telling him yeah, I’m definitely pregnant.  After being late for 4 days, I took a home test.  It turned positive right away and it estimated I was 2-3 weeks pregnant.  The same thing happened with my daughter.  I called my doctor the next morning and was able to get an appointment for that Saturday.  He confirmed and said I was 4-6 weeks.  I was nervous, anxious, and excited because now we were expanding our family.  We were having a second child.  I already started mentally re-configuring our house.  The office/extra bedroom would now be the kids’ room.  I also mentally calculated the money I could save before the baby’s arrival (early August 2017).  Since I was now a pro, I was going to do everything right this time around.  Eat nutritious foods from the jump, exercise 3 times a week, practice yoga for pregnancy, and just really take care of myself.  This went on for about a week.  Then the following Sunday, it came to a screeching halt.

I was about to go to bed and my husband noticed I had spotted on the couch.  I didn’t want to become overly concerned because sometimes that happens at the beginning.  But it did make me do a Google search on my phone.  I was trying to remain calm, but I continued to spot.  Eventually I started to bleed like a light period.  I left work early the next day and called my doctor.  I went into his office and when he checked me, he gave me news that an expectant mother does not want to hear.  He told me that my body was trying to miscarry and that I had a 60/40 chance of the baby surviving past the first trimester.  At this point, I’m trying to hold it together, but I was already preparing for the worst.  I had to get a stat ultrasound.  Nothing could really be seen.  The next day, I am placed on doing blood work every other day to see if the pregnancy hormone is still present.  I return to work trying to keep it together, but feeling like the worst was going to happen any day.

While at work on a day where we were having our end of the year holiday party, I believe I miscarried in the bathroom, right before all the festivities took place.  I was alone when it happened.  I remember feeling so upset at myself.  Wondering why me, what did I do wrong?  But we were having a party, so I went on as if everything was fine.  The next day, I had another party to attend and I still went on as if everything was fine.  Then the next day (Sunday), I guess my body was over everything, because I was very sick.  I went to the ER that night and I received the confirmation that I in fact had miscarried.  They said what I saw Friday was probably the fetus.  I went home that night extremely disappointed.  Even though my doctor had prepared me and even after seeing what I saw on Friday, you still hope and pray for a miracle to happen.  I was thinking how did this happen and why did it happen to me?  What did I do wrong?  Did I jinx myself by announcing it to more than the few that I had announced it to for my daughter?  Should I have not been trying to do the exercising until after my first trimester?  Did me stressing out about personal things take the ultimate toll on me?  These were all questions that raced through my mind.  It’s so funny how you can say the words and be a support system for someone else, but when it comes to yourself, you can’t build yourself up the same way.  I’ve been holding in my tears because I don’t want to break down and cry, but if I can’t stop them from falling, I’m just going to let them down.  And on top of all of this, we were trying to prepare our daughter who’ll be 2 in March that she’s going to be a big sister.  So, because we showed her where the baby is, she’s still saying baby and trying to gently rub my stomach.  Then an unexpected support came through.

I was scrolling through Facebook and while looking at my timeline, one of the many groups I’m in had a video pop up that had the words miscarriage.  When I read the post, it was from someone who had one years ago, and had been unable to conceive since then.  She was asking for support from other women who may have been in her same position.  The video she posted with her written words was a compilation of celebrities (Beyoncé, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Lisa Ling, Pink, Lindsey Lohan, and Giuliana Rancic) who were talking about their miscarriages.  The video was saying let’s support women and not make them feel ashamed.  It’s about normalizing miscarriages and stop making them taboo.  This is why I have written this blog.  Me not saying anything is keeping it hidden, like something you should not discuss, but talking about it humanizes it.  So let’s support out mothers and fathers to be who have experienced this.